Twas the night
by logan
Summary: I wrote this as a Christmas card to a few friends a couple of years back and having found it, decided to post it here. Parody of The Night Before Christmas, and a bad one at that... Seriously, there are some terrible Rhymes here.


I wrote this a few years back as a Christmas card to some friends. I just found it today and decided that it could go up here, as I am fearless when it comes to posting stupidity which reflects back on me poorly. The rhymes contained herein are truly terrible and make me wince, but hey, this is the season of over the top gaudiness so who am I to strive for dignity. I don't own bleach or the night before Christmas. So that being said, merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. (sorry, couldn't resist)

Twas the Night

By Logan.

Twas the night before Christmas and Ichigo was not asleep

For as he gaped at her he knew, he was way past neck-deep.

He'd woken with a start to a loud crashing noise

Flung off his covers and hung there poised.

The snow-covered house was still, with no detectable sound

But when he glanced to the closet, Rukia wasn't there to be found.

His cold sweat turned to ice as he stared through the gloom

Reluctant, and dreading, he exited his room.

He found her right off, the picture of pride

Her feet planted firmly, a bat at her side.

He stared in denial, not wanting to believe

But there were no other options of which he could conceive.

There stood Rukia, with bat but no ball

Moreover, at her feet there lay Santa, slumped in a sprawl.

"I caught him red handed!" she proudly declared

"Trying to rob us at Christmas! The bastard…" she glared.

This was her first Christmas so she really couldn't know…

"YOU JUST MURDERED SANTA YOU FREAKING PSYCHO!!"

"Wait, _this_ is Santa? Oh… right… the red suit,"

"Do you think he'll want cookies?" though the point was quite moot.

"Oh god you've killed Santa, what do we do?!?"

"You see a guy, and just club him, what the hell's wrong with you!?"

"Fool, will you calm down! He's obviously not dead,"

"He'll just wake up tomorrow with a very sore head."

"You want me to calm down, are you freaking insane!?"

"You just bashed Father Christmas across the brain!"

"Will you drop all this drama, Santa's going to be Okay,"

"but what should we do about Christmas day?"

Ichigo stared at the sack of presents Santa still clutched in his fist

While Rukia rummaged through pockets seeking the list.

What would he say to Yuzu and Karin? Where could he begin?

Would both siblings be sobbing in synch with their twin?

Rukia frowned in thought as she scanned through the names,

While Ichigo envisioned his Christmas in flames.

Hollows and Arrancar he could face without fears

But Ichigo trembled at the thought of those tears.

He was broken from his daze as Rukia rose with a start

The shinigami was leering at him; which was never good for his heart.

"I've got great news Ichigo, this town was his last!"

"now you pull off his boots, we need to undress him fast."

The results were calamity as he might well have assumed

She tried stuffed him with pillows, with his own laundry, he fumed.

In the end he looked like Santa, severely malnourished

Perhaps the only mercy was that no beard was furnished.

Clean-shaven, emaciated, with a suit twelve sizes to big

He stood there dressed as Santa, or as a Santa suit on a twig.

Belt synched in a knot he struggled with the boots

Rukia sat there beaming, trying to assure him that he looked cute.

As he hefted the sack, the hat fell from his head

He glared enviously at saint Nicholas, unconscious in his bed.

Rukia in PJs and him dressed as a fool

They looked like a couple of lunatics way beyond the limits of Yule.

They made for the roof, and did find the sleigh

However, at one sniff the reindeer, like wolves, started to bay.

"Well what do we do now; we've got five hours till dawn"

Ichigo asked as they backed away from Blitzen, more lion than faun.

"You could be more grateful, without me you'd be lost."

His reply was cut short as he lost his footing to frost.

Rubbing his bottom while biting back swears

She looks down on him pityingly, then at his rude gesture, glares.

"Honestly Ichigo, what would you do if it wasn't for me?

The answer's so obvious an infant could see."

Ignoring his cursing, she continued mildly uncouth.

"On your feet idiot, we'll jump roof to roof!"

"Easy for you! You're already dead

I'll fall to the concrete and crack open my head!"

"I meant we should flash-step, you orange headed nit

Now do you want to get this over with, or would you rather just sit?"

From house to house flash-stepped the shinigami in red

And by the time it was over he felt close to dead.

They finished the deliveries with an hour to spare

And upon their return there was no Santa there.

No note, tag, or message, but at least the deer were gone

Well, with the exception of a pile left on the front lawn.

"Merry Christmas Rukia, is there anything else you want to do?

Because as far as I'm concerned, after today, no more holidays for you.


End file.
